Lesbian mothers find hope in a support group
by Yolisa Njamela

March 21, 2007: Johannesburg, South Africa

"FEW" reaching out to many…

This statement rang true on Human Rights Day as the Forum for the Empowerment of Women (FEW) held the very first imbizo (public forum) for lesbian-identified mothers who are often left without a voice and without visibility in the broader LGBTI sector and in the lesbian community. 30 women gathered on March 21 at Constitution Hill—some stereotypically “butch,” others “femme”—in order to talk about their challenges and struggles as gay women raising children. Often scrutinized by the broader LGBTI for not being “genuinely gay” or “gay enough,” sometimes rejected by their families for being “abnormal” without husbands, scorned by their township communities for being “unAfrican” and “adopting the Western way of living,” many black lesbian mothers are isolated and without necessary community-based social support.

“I'm a black lesbian woman, a sister to a lot of people, a fiancée to the love of my life – but I'm a friend to only two people, my sister and my fiancée" acknowledges Lindi Radebe from Sebokeng, Vaal, and highlighting that many lesbian mums experience a complete lack of support from people around them, even within the lesbian community.

Fikile Modibedi from Mapetla, Soweto, a mother of two, agrees and adds: “If you take my story and make a joke out of it – that's your business. Because I know at least I would have shared my story and received advice.” Modibedi regretfully notes that instead of assisting each other, some people in the community just engage in gossip mongering.

The challenges and personal stories Lindi, and Fikile shared at the forum were not necessarily unique to the audience members and in each of their stories, another lesbian mother could relate. Lindi lost her baby son 6 years ago, just a few hours after he was born. She appealed to other mothers at the forum as to how she can possibly cope with her trauma and the loss for her son. Happy Kunene, a one time social worker, gave comfort to Lindi by offering free counseling.

Fikile shared her own heart wrenching story of her second child who is “out of control.” She says for many years now she's had to deal with her “troublesome child” who won't listen to her as a parent. Now she has sleepless nights, fearing the worst—an experience that touches all parents and not just queer ones.

Forum organizer Zanele Muholi implored the professionals and service providers present not to shy away from extending a helping hand. “This is our community; if we don't help each other, why do we expect the rest of the people to help us?” Muholi asked the audience.

It was agreed by all present that the forum should not be discarded like many others that have “come and gone.” The need to ensure that the gay and lesbian community practices the saying "charity begins at home" was stressed.

In closing for Mathabo Maqhubela, a lesbian mother of a ten-year old son, a staff member of FEW also a co-ordinator of the forum, "I wish we can work together as a collective (lesbian mothers & those in the mainstream ) with service providers to resolve common issues on parenting".

Currently FEW is planning to host lesbian mothers at least once a month so that they will have a chance to gather, socialize and discuss their lives and children, and ultimately to assist each other where possible.
For more information please phone Mathabo at FEW offices at (011) 339 1867.

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Other forums and sessions planned for 2007:

- Lesbian Safer Sex
- Youth
- Education
- Making Herstories (documentation)
- Representation, etc.

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©03/2007

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