From My Heart to Yours:
my take on marital vows
by Musa MaseTshaba

With the official enactment of the Civil Unions Bill on December 1, 2006, South Africa became the fifth country in the world—and the first in Africa—to legalize same-sex marriage. The impulse for same-sex partners now is to join the heterosexual masses and take those leaps of faith into the world of the unknown, of the possible lies, and of the inevitable false promises “to love and cherish till death do us apart.” I use the word ‘leap’ deliberately to emphasize that marriage vows amount to step into a degree of darkness. As Harper Collins defines a leap, it is an action performed without knowledge of the consequences. I wonder how it is that we can we make promises about something that we have no knowledge of?

Because same-sex marriages are fundamentally still different to heterosexual marriages—given that we have had to fight to just get ours recognized—I think we should approach the whole concept of marriage differently, with more care to what we are building, and with less willy nilly notions than our heterosexual counterparts might.

So what’s this different approach, you might ask, and why is it necessary?

Let’s start at the beginning, with The Marriage Vows. I think we would serve the meaning of marriage better if we revolutionize the sanctity of marriage altogether, if we get rid of the empty promises, and by building our marriages on realistic understandings of and foundations for the future.

Why should we make promises that we will love, cherish, and comfort “in sickness and in health till death do us part?”

When we make such vows, we are in essence making promises about something that has yet to come to pass. And thereby, by promising the unknown, aren’t we lying to ourselves, our spouses, and to the witnesses in the presence of God? How can we promise so concretely, and without reservation, to love in the future someone we do not fully know in the present? How can we promise to love and cherish forever a partner we know very little about at this tender stage, but who is bound to change as she grows throughout her life because she is still an individual? Changes and transformations inevitably occur within individuals and within relationships, and we cannot predict how it will affect us or “our love.”

Can we be so sure that we will still love her if what attracted us to her in the first place is no longer there because of life transitions? If not, how then can we stand in the presence of God, and lie? Aren’t we lying when we take our vows and make concrete promises, all the while what we are really doing is hoping for the best? It may be that we ideally want to love, cherish and comfort till death do us part, but then there is the real world. If our very first words to each other are based on lies, what hope of success and survival does the marriage have?

I say, let us not ask for nor expect of each other things that are humanly impossible.
Let us not build our homes and families on shaky, impractical vows because that which is built on shaky foundation is doomed for failure.

We need to ask ourselves, too, why were marriage vows created, where, and who created them in the first place? The concept of (heterosexual) marriages and their vows evolved over centuries, but do they still serve the purpose for which they were created in today’s contemporary world? We are now living through the age of technologies, and the age of globalization—shouldn’t take advancements in the field of vows, too?

Is it possible that marriage vows in today’s uncertain world are obsolete in relation to our times? Why should we humans, a constantly evolving species, be bound by static vows that were created in a different historical context and culture?

Let us create vows that are practical to our lived experiences, and in accordance to our specific relationship. Rather than promise to stay together until “death do us part”, why not promise to do our utmost best in working at the relationship, because we all know relationships are hard work? A marriage that is rooted in the knowledge that things may go in the direction opposite to our desires, is one that may inspire us to keep working at it.

Let us give same-sex marriage a better chance at success by not building on false foundations and promises. After all, we are different, so we should revolutionize the concept of “till death do us part”. When we think of beginning our life journeys as married partners, let’s promise what we can realistically expect. Promising to love and cherish each other forever is, in my view, hogwash.

If my thoughts here have managed to grasp your attention to the point of a response, be it nodding either in agreement or shaking your head in disagreement—saying even “this author is crazy!”—then I have achieved my purpose. I’ve made you think, too. As LGBTIs, we need to engage in debates of a different intellectual kind, and at a different level, and there is nothing wrong with ruffling some feathers every once in a while!

Peace and Love.

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