Joy and heartache
by Nomonde Mafunda

Sometimes we confuse being a lesbian woman and being a mother who is a lesbian; I thank God everyday for being the two. We as a society tend to think that ‘lesbian’ means you cannot be a mother or a parent. I was blessed with a beautiful daughter at an early age. Yes, it was a difficult and confusing situation at the time, but did I have a choice? Maybe I did according to what other people do and believe, which is to have an abortion or to not accept their children. I did have a choice and I accepted the right thing for me; I loved my daughter from day one. I named her Naledi, which means ‘Star’; she is my Shining Star. And boy, has she lived up to that name! You should have seen what a beautiful baby she was. Before that, I did not know what love is, but when I held her in my arms, I felt such pride and overwhelming emotions, and I thanked God for this wonderful gift he has given me.

Now there came a problem. I was alone without the child’s father. I was very young, and to make matters worse, I was trying to figure out what was really happening or wrong with me to have these strong feelings of attraction towards other women. Imagine now, there is this child and there are these women I want and love. What do you do in that situation? I again told myself that no matter what happens, I will make sure that my daughter gets the best in life, and therefore, I will try and be with someone who can be a good lover as well as a good parent to my child. I was going to make sure that we raised her in such a way that she can be a good example, not only to the community, but to other children whose parents were lesbian.

It was not easy, but I managed in all my relationships to strive for that. I would never hide that I had a child from the first day I met someone, and if I felt that Naledi’s happiness was being compromised, then I would know that I was not with the right person. The funniest thing about this whole situation is that you can separate from or divorce your partner, but your child will always be yours forever. I cannot say that it was easy for her, being thrown from one woman to another, wondering as she was growing up, why she never sees her father or any other man in the house; wondering why Mummy is sleeping in the same bed as Aunty. She was miserable often, jealous when I would need my time to do my own things. She had everything she ever wanted. She went to the best private schools; she wore anything she wanted. But was she happy? No. She was confused, and hurt most of the time, and not because she was not comfortable, but because of the cruel things people were saying about her mother. Time went on and she was grown enough for me to sit her down and make her understand who I am, where I am going, and the fact that I loved her more that anything else in the whole world. We went through a lot of trials and tribulations that I think most of you can identify with—family and friends who are lost because of your sexual preference.

I strove on with my daughter by my side always seeking guidance from the only person that I knew will never forsake me, my God. Come Easter 2003. At that time, I had come to Johannesburg to try and see if I could have a better life away from all the hatred that I was facing at home. I was having the time of my life enjoying the holidays like everyone else and having the most loving and wonderful women by my side. Life would never be better and more complete that this. Then a call came through on my phone. It was my niece asking for my Medical Aid information. She told me that my daughter was sick; in fact, she had collapsed. Naledi always had a problem with headaches so when she told me earlier about the headaches, I tried to relax, and my mum told me that she will be fine. I never knew that moment was the beginning of my worst nightmare. To cut matters short, she was transferred to another hospital in East London for a brain scan, and after that, I got the most dreaded news. Two words ruined and shattered my whole life into pieces: brain tumour. My innocent and lovely daughter had cancer of the brain. She was at the peak of her life. She was doing grade nine then and the only thing that came to my mind was death. Things happened so fast after that, I had to leave with Tumi for Durban where my Naledi was going to have her operation to remove the tumor. I cannot begin to describe what we all went through, having to make that final decision. I was told she had a 50/50 chance of surviving, as the tumor was deep down in the right cerebellum.

It was like giving away my child or even worse stabbing her with a knife and letting her die. I used to cry day and night. I did not know what to do or think. No matter what people said I just felt so guilty and confused. I blamed myself for what was happening and I was questioning God, “Why is this happening to my child? Why not me? I trust and love you, but why did you let this happen to her?” The most amazing thing in all this, Naledi was so calm throughout this ordeal. She was the one who was encouraging me and telling me that she would be fine because the God she loves and trust would never leave or forsake her. She had this strong amazing belief that surprised us all. The day came when she had to cut her lovely and long hair that she has maintained and grown all her life. That was a sad day and a realization of what all of this meant. It was real. I could see that her heart was bleeding, but when she looked at me, I think she saw the pain deep down in my heart and felt that as sick as she was she had to be strong for the both of us. Her operation took more that eight hours and those were the longest hours of my life. As I said before, that when you are a mother, and a lesbian mother, you have to try and find a partner who complements you and loves your child as her own, and God, I have one. I don’t know how my child and I would have survived that time without her love and undying support.

Miracles happen. Naledi survived. She not only pulled through this, but after a few months of not being able to walk. and on crutches, she defied me and her doctors and went back to school against her doctor’s advice that she must stay at home the whole year so she could heal completely. She told me, “Mama, I am going back to school to finish my Grade Nine, and I promise you that I will pass at the end of the year”. I didn’t know or believe how she could do it, but you know what? She did. She did not care that she had to put on those woolen hats everyday to school because her whole head had was stitched in half. She did not care about the people who stared at her when she went past and you know what? She passed at the end of that year. Can you imagine my love and pride? More than anything, her illness taught me a lot of things that I never knew before. It brought us closer together and it made me realize how close I came to losing the only person in the whole world who loved me unconditionally, my best friend, my flesh and blood. I nearly lost my LIFE.

Where is she today? She is a second-year university student doing a Bachelor of Business Administration. She wants to be an accountant, and I know with my love and financial support she will, of course, make it. I wouldn’t exchange her for anyone or anything else. The only advice I can give to other mothers like me is to love your children. Give them love—I mean unconditional love and support. Talk to them. Let them understand you as a person. Do not force your relationships on them, but show them and tell them that they are the most important people in your lives. Set a good example for them. Do things that will make them proud to have a mother like you. Study hard and teach them the importance of education so that they can be better people in life. People talk, but it helps to take all the negatives and turn them into positives. And learn from them to become the best person you can be.

Proud Lesbian Mum!

<<Back